Well, I believe it was a month ago I said I’d right you all a new blog post. My apologies on the lateness of it, and I apologize in advance for the shortness of it, but it suddenly popped in my head and I figured that a short post is better than no post. Long story cut short about the two guys I was crushing on: One is a major closet case, the other I have hardly seen lately and am therefore losing interest in. The most recent one, who I think I named Guy #2 in my last post…or something like that, is the closet case one. The other, who I think I named Guy #1 (what was I thinking when I named them that? I could’ve just flat out given them real names and not cared…whatever) is the one I’ve hardly seen any of recently. But if anything new develops, I’ll be sure to let you all know! >.> Anyway. My jobs are going quite well as of late. I want more hours…but at the same time I don’t want more hours. I feel that right now I’ve achieved a perfect balance between work and free time. BUT I want/need more money. My car has been making a noise, that I’ve attributed to an off-balanced tire, but regardless of what I think it is…my car still needs to go in for an oil change if nothing else. And because of that, I need more money. I also need money for my upcoming vacation in…wait for it…128 days. That’s right. My vacation starts in 128 days…which isn’t nearly fast enough. BUT…those of you on Facebook have only 28 days to prepare for my 100 day countdown. My goal is not to repeat any of the songs I used last year, but we’ll see. Hm…what else have I done since my last post…? OH! I had my birthday. Duh. I’m 20 now. I feel old when I think about how old my nephew will be next month, though. He’s like…7. I think. Even if he’s only 6, I’m still old… I bought myself the Fire Emblem 3DS bundle for my birthday. I’ve spent almost 60 hours on it on my first playthrough. Though that’s because I’ve been doing like…40 hours of side quests and such. Haha. But anyway. I think that should conclude this somewhat brief post. I leave you all now with a little song I found (of course, thanks to Eurovision. I mean really, what song in like…the past year HASN’T been linked to Eurovision in some way?) Until next time, do keep calm and carry on.
Well a hello to all of you. I’m a day late in writing this, but yesterday I ended up being so lazy. I’m sure I’ll be forgiven. Let’s see, where did I leave off last time? Oh! I got my car fixed. A few weeks ago. Thank god… My mother’s van was driving me insane. And to think that was the vehicle I learned to drive with… Anyways. I have my car back, new shift lever and two new(not brand new) tires. So yay for that. Apparently I’m going to Panera’s post-holiday party next Sunday. It was kinda decided for me by one of my co-workers. So I hope that goes alright. I’m sure it will. I get along with most of the people I work with right now, so I think so. And that leads into the current hot topic, my crush. Which, by the way, I’ve got another one. BUT. I’m positive that this one is gay. Because…well…long story. But we won’t get into that right now… =P And the part that sucks is that they’re both cute. And sweet. And I couldn’t decide between the two. So for now I’m just going to crush on both. Because I can. =D About 2 or 3 days ago, I had to work with (in close proximity) to 3 people I find attractive. Two of which are my crushes. The other I’m certain is gay, but he’s…not quite my type. And let me tell YOU, that was quite an interesting night. As I described it to Bel: “Guy 1 is in my ear all night, and I have to hand him drinks. Guy two is at the other end of the counter on registers. And Guy 3 is behind me the whole night.” I’m actually quite surprised she didn’t laugh at me when I said that last part… But anyway. I suppose, now with two guys I might have to give them names or you’ll all get confused. And calling them “Guy 1 and Guy 2” sounds odd… Meh. You’ll live. Guy 1 will refer to the guy I had a crush on first. The one I have trouble talking to. WHICH we’re working on. He actually said hi the other day when I was in grabbing a bagel. He ended up ringing me out at one point too. BUT the point is that we’re working on talking. We’re getting there. Haba haba. (Swahili for “Little by Little”) AND Guy 2 is going to refer to the taller guy that just started. But anyway. Moving on from that for today… OH! I had to take a loan out for my car, did I tell you that? Yeah. It came to $620 and I had like…nothing in my savings account at the time, and I really need to fix that. So I got a small loan from the bank so I could pay it. And have my car back. Speaking of savings… Oshkosh is now 171 days away. And Bel got me all excited the other day because she said “I can’t wait to ride your tram” And at first I was all like…what are you TALKING about? And then I realized and got all excited because I had forgot that I can actually DO that this year. This has been a dream of mine for many years. Getting to drive the trams that run throughout the grounds, and getting to announce stops. See, the second part was a little scary to me because I was not nearly as social as I am now. And I’m not afraid to do things like that now. Though, I have yet to e-mail the volunteer coordinator for the trams, but it IS on my to-do list. Its usually something I do mid-February. Speaking of, my birthday is now 4 days away. (YAY!) And I found out there is a new Fire Emblem game coming out in a bundle with the Nintendo DS the VERY next day. AND I’m gonna buy it. Its supposed to be like…$200 or something. And my mother offered to buy half of it. So there is that. =P And the design of the DS cover is REALLY cool, and its blue. I kinda wish it was red, but I’ll live. Anyway, I should be going to bed. I have to open at Hancock tomorrow, and close at Panera. FUN! (Not really. I actually quite hate these days. Especially when I open again at Hancock the next day. EXHAUSTING) So I’ll leave you with today’s song, which is Eurovision. I know, Eurovision is yet a few months away and only the very first entries have been confirmed, but I’m already addicted to one of them. I wish you all well, and thank you all for putting up with me because you have no idea how much it means. I know I’m not always easy to understand, but I can make just about as much sense out of the thoughts in my head, as you guys can out of what I write. So thank you all. =) Remember to keep calm and carry on, and I’ll speak to you all soon. Goodnight.
Hello again, everyone. I felt the need today to write just a short post. And we’re just going to get right to it. A thought occurred to me last night about this guy I’ve been telling you. And Bel, you may have an a-ha moment just like me. I was thinking…what if he just isn’t out? I mean, that WOULD explain it. Being impossible to read, acting interested yet not interested at the same time… If he weren’t out, and I’m sure I’d know by now if he was, these things are not out of the ordinary. Am I right? Of course, I could still just be trying to throw theories out in every attempt to make him gay so I could one day have a chance. THAT is entirely possible too, you know. Anyway. Enough about him today. Did I tell you all that my car broke? I don’t think I did…. Well, my car broke. First (on christmas eve) my tire came off its rim. Joy. So I had my dad put the spare tire on. …it had a screw in it. …really? So we got that fixed. The next day, Christmas day, I went to move it out of my mother’s way. And when I went to put it back in park? The shifter stick broke. …are you fucking kidding me? *sigh* So. I took it in and everything, they had to order a new shifter assembly or something like that and altogether it was an estimate of $700 with towing and labor and whatnots. My hope is it will be a little less than that yet. They told me the part was supposed to arrive tomorrow, and that I should have it back by Thursdayish. And I certainly hope that is true. Because I NEED my car back. I cannot drive my mother’s monster of a van much longer. Not only is it big and bulky, the steering wheel is loose, and I have to put gas in it every other day. So once THAT is all said and done, I’m certain I’ll be making a new post to tell you all about it. But I think that’ll be all for today. Nice a short, two major points, and I leave you with today’s song, which has been quite the obsession of mine for about 2 months now. There IS an english version that I will post the link to as well, but I feel the original has more…feeling to it.
Welcome to the new year, everyone! I hope you all partied to hard, and drank too much, and had too much fun. It’ll make up for all the partying and drinking and fun that I DIDN’T have. I came home after work, which by the way I worked 9-7 at Hancock; one of my longest ever days at one job, and I did some chores. By the time I was done and whatnot, it was just about 1030. So I got into bed, and read a little of my book, watched the clock turn to midnight and then I fell asleep. So much fun, right? But anyways… The turnout from my last blog post still seemed a little…low. So hopefully with more regular posts the turnout will go up. Anyways. On to the meat part of the blog. I mean, we all know why we’re here. This guy. Who I will continue to leave nameless (not even a fake name…like Noah. =D ).I’m beginning to think that it isn’t so much that my people reading skills suck, and don’t get me wrong they do, as much as it is he’s impossible to read. We won’t get too much into it at the moment. Because this blog is viewable by anyone who looks at my profile…and that includes those I have not friended…we’ll keep it simple and short. However, should you want to hear more specifics, you all know how to get a hold of me. =P That was anti-climactic, wasn’t it? I suppose…I’ll give you a little more than that. =P He was looking a little more attractive than usual today. I wish I’d just get up the courage and actually say something to him. !Though I did actually say his name tonight. So proud of myself… Progress WAS made tonight. After getting sassed at once again by a manager. No, dear, I do not care if you’re pregnant. I don’t care if you’re having a bad day. You do NOT sass at me. I have bad days all the time. I have long hard days all of the time. Do I show up to work grumpy and sassy and mad? No. I show up to BOTH jobs with a smile and cheer. Why? Because that’s what is expected. I did not KNOW what you meant by “flipping the pan”. I did not know it needed to be done. Nobody said a word. And you’d think from the time it took me to GRAB the soup, bring it out, cut it open, and pour it in (all in front of you, by the way) you would have said SOMETHING. Like…I don’t know…you could’ve stopped me after I cut the bag open? I do not respond well to sass. I try my hardest not to get angry. I try my hardest to ignore people that do things like that. You’re a manager. It is your job to help the people under you do their jobs properly. What you did tonight was not your job. You had plenty of time to make sure I was doing it right, and you didn’t. Do NOT blame me. Do NOT sass at me. Bring a positive attitude to work, and do your job properly. … Sorry. I do feel much better. I do not enjoy being sassed at. Especially two nights in a row. Anyway. Enough ranting about that. Got off subject there. But I needed that little vent. Thank you. Anyway. I think that is enough for one night. And I’m going to go to bed because I have to be up and at work by 6. Yay weekends! >.> Until next time.
Well. Well well well. March 16th? 9 months, 15 days? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… Before we even START anything, we’re not going to touch on the subject of Jacob. We’re leaving it alone. And by doing that, I hope those of you who are wondering how its going, get the idea. Moving on. So…where DO we begin? Here: If anything in this blog sounds…pessimistic, its because I’m in a crappy mood, which you’ll understand soon enough. But let’s see…was there anything interesting that happened in April? …no…no, I don’t think there was. May? I bought a car, and shortly after got my driver’s license. So yay to that! I barely remember either of those two months, so I doubt there was anything else. June? Ah yes, there was inventory day at work. There was a cute guy that came as part of the inventory team… Uhm. That was about it. July we had vacation. Leighton was unable to come, which was sad making. But I DID tell him I expected to see him next year. So that’s the upside there. It was an alright vacation. Nothing amazing, nothing NOT amazing. I was quite saddened, however, when Sarah had to leave early. =( Nothing else of terrible interest that I can remember right now… August, September, and October all went by without much interest as well… I started a second job at the beginning of November at Panera Bread. And let me tell you…it’s a great place to work…but I’m running into one issue. Which, I suppose is what started my crappy mood today. See…there is someone I work with, I won’t say who just for the sake of…my sanity, but… Basically, I’m attracted to him. Not just because he’s cute, either, but for the reasons that count. And I’m an idiot when it comes to dating and that sort of thing. I mean…look at my track record, darling. Dana? JACOB? Mmhmmm…. So I’m afraid of making any sort of move… I can barely talk to the guy, let alone ask him “hey…by any chance, are you gay?” And poor Bel…I’m a horrible person. I basically made her come into Panera when both me and him were working. And…basically wanted her to look at him and observe him and…you know. I mean, my people reading skills don’t exactly… …they kinda, well…suck. A lot. But her observation/opinion was helpful. I mean…I don’t want to make a move. I’m literally afraid to. Because I already feel kinda creepy. Especially after today… And I so want to make a move. But I’ve never actually had to. And because I like him I’m afraid I’d sit there stuttering and mumbling like some fool. And then run away crying because I screwed it all up. (Ok, I probably wouldn’t actually do that, but I think you get the point.) I’ve never actually had to do this dating thing before. Ever. Not from the very beginning like this. Having to go out and find my OWN guy to date, rather than someone saying “Oh, hey, I know this guy…” And it frightens me. Because there is only one thing worse than being a hopeless romantic: being a GAY hopeless romantic. You have so fewer options. And sometimes, you don’t even KNOW what your options really are, because not every gay man is out. Not every gay man is OBVIOUS about it. And I’ve never been good at taking risks. I’m always afraid of getting hurt… And you know, all of this feeling isn’t exactly directed entirely at this guy I work with. Because I’ve always been this way, but when I had Jacob, my focus problem shifted to…whatever, and I forgot all about this. And…I forgot how much of a blundering fool I am around guys I like. And how…I’m almost 20 and have never had a real, solid, happy relationship… And I really…wish I had someone, you know? Especially at this time of year. There is this other guy I work with that I know for certain has a crush on me. Because I’ve been told such. And you know…he’s sweet. And kinda cute. But…he’s the kind of person that I can see myself being a lifelong friend with. But when I look at the other guy… >.< I’m stopping myself there. And so there is my conundrum. In a nutshell, of course. And I think that’s all I’m going to give you for tonight. Because…if I spend TOO much time thinking about all of this, then…well, I’m sorry to Bel, but the line to attachment would grow ever closer. Thankfully, however, for today it remains quite a confortable distance away.”Please stay sensible. If you drop a can of coke on the floor make sure to point it at someone ELSE before you open it.” Until next time, keep calm and carry on.
Ok. First off, I need to apologize. In my last blog, I talked about Oshkosh and Leighton. …because I was avoiding what I should REALLY be writing about. …but I have no idea where to begin. The last you guys knew, and by you guys I mean the ones that read my blog that I DON’T talk to everyday, I had barely begun to talk about how he wasn’t going to move to college here. …wow… Oh dear. Way back then, before he even told me he wasn’t going to move here, I had told him “I think I’d have to leave you if you didn’t move here…because I don’t think we’d last.” …but I pushed forward. I adapted. …as I sit here this evening, I have to ask you, why did I do that? Why didn’t I just stick to that? *sigh* After I got back from vacation, it all hit me quite quickly. He wasn’t moving in…school is more important to him…at the end of the month he’ll be gone… I stepped up my effort. I tried harder. I pleaded with him to reconsider. But I failed. He moved. He didn’t even bother to give me a week’s warning. 5 days beforehand, he tells me. …I had lost hope. And finally, that day came. I woke up to the text, “I’m on my way to Milwaukee,”. I said to myself, “Why? Why bother telling me? I have to work. How the hell am I supposed to work now?” So I ended up spending the entire morning before I left…sitting on my floor crying. Trying desperately to get someone to talk to me, but nobody answered. It had just become final…that was it. There was nothing more I could do. But try not to cry at work. Or act like someone just died. And it worked, for the most part. I tried not to tear up on break. But…*shrugs* I just felt like my boyfriend left me. The only positive outcome at that time was he began to need me… It was the first time I felt so needed by him. He texted back faster than ever before, 2 minutes or less. And it was good. We were having conversation again. For the first time in months, I felt very close to him. And slowly it began to fade, as I knew it would. Not long after that, his response time got far worse. Soon, it would take him an hour…two hours…THREE hours… …ha. Since moving to college, our relationship went from ok, to terrible. We didn’t have much conversation…he would sometimes leave for hours without saying anything… And then I got jealous. Of his internet people, that is. He would talk to them, speak to them, play games with them while he was ignoring me… After I had discovered that, which was around November I think, things started degrading even quicker. We began to fight daily. He had told me he wasn’t sure if he’d ever move in with me. He said he would never visit me, not even during his school breaks. Not even summer… At times, he’d say he wanted us to last…that I just need to get over my jealousy…that he does want to meet me. …*shakes head* A few weeks ago…we fought. And the conversation ended around when he said “Sometimes I don’t feel like we’ve ever had a relationship.” …he went on to say something about the lack of physical interaction…and other things that I pretty much blocked out. And the day after that, I went into panic mode. “He’s trying to leave me. I’m losing him. I’ve lost him. What do I do? How do I fix things?” …little did I realize that panicking would put us where we are now. Up until 2 days ago, he had stopped talking to me for about…a week and a half? Despite all my texts, I even called him four times. He remained silent. He also hasn’t said “I love you” in two weeks. But two days ago, he said “Hai.” Bel was here at the time, so I had no idea. But by the time I noticed, I needed to go to bed, so I said that. And told him we could talk tomorrow(yesterday now), and he said ok. I said goodnight, and he said nothing. …so last night it was about 930. And I needed to go to bed at about 1030, but he hadn’t said anything. So I told him I needed to go soon, if he still wanted to talk. He said he needed to shower yet, and there wasn’t enough time to talk before or after that. So I said “Ok, we can talk tomorrow. Or this weekend.” And so far this evening, nothing. Part of me wants to believe that he wants to seriously talk. And do…something to fix where we are. But another part expects it to be something I know I don’t want to hear. At the same time, another part of my has already decided he wasn’t coming back… I’m lost. With no direction. Unsure of where we stand. …shattered but not broken. So there you have it. The shortened, condensed version of the past few months since I’ve last talked with you. There are many more things I missed, but at this point...I don’t feel the need to take the time and write about them. So…I’ll leave you now. The song…fits the part of me that has decided he’s not coming back. So thank you for bearing with me. I know most of you never liked Jacob, and probably saw this coming, but I thank you for bearing with me anyway. Either I’ll be back in a few days, or if something happens with Jacob that I need to write about. Until then, keep calm and carry on.
Oh. Hello. ...has it really been that long? 7 months? Impossible! What have I been doing this entire time?! Well. Let me tell YOU. ... On second thought, let's not. Not right now, anyway. I could write for hours on that, and then this blog will be novel length, and nobody will be happy. Besides, who wants to hear that much about Jacob? Really? Though, I do promise to update you on all things Jacob soon. I just don't feel like taking that amount of time right now... Other than that, nothing major has happened since my last post, which was in Oshkosh. God...I want to go back now. We're currently 135 days out from when I leave again. I cannot wait that long... I will say, that I find it amusing that once I leave Oshkosh, Leighton and I don't talk... :P But I suppose, we're really not that great of friends. Aside from the fact that I was quite creepy before last year's Oshkosh. Though...I am STILL creepy... Ha. Working on it, Leighton. Don't worry, I think the creepy me is gone. You know...in person, I am not at all a chatter box. But that could just be because I'm not totally comfortable around him... But the more I'm around him at Oshkosh, the more comfortable I'll be. I do need to thank him for one thing: Cameras by Matt and Kim. It was stuck in my head the entire drive home from Oshkosh. And has since been added to my iPod. I also need to apologize for another thing: I'm sorry I was so anti-social during Oshkosh this year. I've not been that anti-social on vacation before. I do not know what was wrong with me. But, this year will be different. Anyway... Ha. I'm sitting here typing about something that happened months ago. Over half a year ago. Hm... What else... Ah, yes. Dana asked me out to dinner... Which was awkward... And I don't much feel like talking about that, either. So. Since my pizza is done, it would appear that I'm going to have to blog again tomorrow. Or this weekend. Probably this weekend, since I have this weekend off. Yay! "Remember, if its too big to fit in your mouth, its too big to swallow. If it has a warning label, you should READ it. And finally, you should never leave a child in a hot car. What you should do is send THEM into the shop to get what you need, while YOU stay in the air conditioning listening to music. What other reason is there to have children, bar servitude?" Thank you all for reading, and I'll speak to you all again soon. :)
