Sunday, November 30, 2008

Good evening on this November the 30^th, 2008. I have begun this blog at 9:05, I intend on calling Dana in the next 5 minutes. I know it's becoming predictable by now, that when he says he will call, he doesn't. That just makes me all the more persistent J. Haha. Anyway, I got up at 2 and 6 for Mom today, which means things are getting better. There was no snow on the ground at 2, but there was at 6. And it just kept growing; in fact it is still snowing. Icky. I don't like snow. Today was rather boring; I didn't do much of anything at all. Tomorrow is also Monday, which means school again…that's icky too. But it has to get done. Normally, today would be week 7. Ah…it feels nice that things are going back to comfortable. It appears as if Dana is going to talk to me tonight, which is good. I will finish this blog when I'm done talking to him. Well, that was relieving. We're back to where we were before, added all of what happened in the past 7 weeks. Wounds can start to heal faster now. The next problem is: when do I get to see him next? A later detail. I have nothing really to do tomorrow. I probably should sleep, so I can get up easier if Mom needs me to night. So, goodnight everyone.

Today’s Song: All You Want by Dido

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breathe by my side
And although sleep leaves me behind
There's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold
My hands feel empty
No one to hold
And I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone

Oh, if you'd come home
I'll let you know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been three years
One night apart
But in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sown
Oh you could come home
And you would know that

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
Can leave the way you just came in
Send my regards to her
I hope you find that......

All you want
Is right there in that room
All you want
And all you need is sitting there with you
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breathe by my side

Saturday, November 29, 2008

It's hard to believe that today is Friday. Last night ended on a good note. Dana returned my call. I remember, the first thing he said was that he was watching YouTube and he thought of me. I asked why. He said he had been watching a Skins clip. We talked a little more about Skins, and he had said he thought about how much he misses me. I thought to myself here it comes. He said "I know I sound silly right now. I want you back." My heart sank, and I tried to keep from crying. I told him, "Remember when I said if you ever wanted to come back, my heart would always be open. I meant that Dana." So, he asked a while later, "So, are we back to normal? Together?" I said of course we are. He also told me that he was going to call Thursday, but he didn't. I told him we wouldn't be able to see each other easily for at least 4 weeks, because Mom not being able to drive. He pointed out, "You realize that in 4 weeks, it's Christmas?" He informed me he was going to his Mom's house for Christmas. All I thought to myself was just come back afterwards. He said later, "I guess the song, our song was right. I found my way back." Tears actually did start rolling down my face. I can't wait to see him again. It's almost as if we are starting over. Something tells me we aren't just going to jump back where we left off. For one, I'm not going to be as easy on him. Of course, I'm not sure I can be really hard on him either. Hm, that's for a later date, not now. I'm just happy that finally things are going back to my comfort zone. Of course, not everything has returned to that zone. Obviously, I'm still up at 11:14, I haven't eaten much today although right now my stomach is reminding me that right now. I haven't had an anxiety attack today. At about 12, I had Rissi come over and watch Mom while Dad and I went to the store. Chels came shortly after that. I took Rissi home around 6, in the golf cart, which was fun. I suddenly remember why I liked driving that thing. J I came back, and Chels was still there. I offered to let her stay longer. She ended up leaving around 10:40, haha. I liked that though. Mom isn't doing as well as I would like her to be. She feels sick, and can hardly get up and move when she needs to go to the bathroom. She doesn't want to take her pain medication because it makes her stomach upset. She called the doctor's resident. She is going to put her on a different medication, so it's easier on her stomach. She also had a fit because of the one small step that we have from our Dining Room into our Kitchen. Although, before they didn't. She also doesn't have a choice when she needs to go to the bathroom; she needs to go up that step. Last night, or rather this morning I was up at 1, 5, and 8 to help her to the bathroom. It doesn't bother me, because someone has to do it, and you don't see Dad doing it, do you? The anesthesia is supposed to wear off tomorrow, which is a good thing, which should start helping things. And then she should be able to get to the bathroom herself at night and stuff, so I don't have to be on call. That's what it feels like anyway. I may actually get to bed before midnight lately, because I am dead tired. Chels is coming back over on Monday, which is going to be good. I do wonder when I will get to see Dana. You know, that's one thing that won't change. I will still constantly think about him. I haven't had time to work on my novel lately, so that's behind. It's hard to believe tomorrow is the last day of November already. I also need to go visit the spot sometime soon, although I'm sure the Goddess will understand I have to watch Mom. Well, I believe that shall be it for tonight. Goodnight everyone. J

Today’s Song: Take My Hand by Dido

Touch my skin, and tell me what you're thinking
Take my hand and show me where were going
Lie down next to me, look into my eyes and tell me, oh tell me what you're seeing
So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling
What you feel now is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you
Ill always be alone
If I'm lying to you
See my eyes, they carry your reflection
Watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me, show me what you're doing
So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling
What you feel now is what I feel for you

Take my hand and if I'm lying to you
Ill always be alone
If I'm lying to you
Take your time, if I'm lying to you
I know you'll find that you believe me
You believe me

Feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking
Catch the snow on your tongue and show me how it tastes
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you
Ill always be alone
If I'm lying to you
Take your time, if I'm lying to you
I know you'll find that you believe me
You believe me

Friday, November 28, 2008

Good day. I woke up at 5 this morning, since we had to leave for Mom's surgery. I had one brownie before we left. We didn't get home until 3:30. It was a long day. We had to go to Grandmother's house to get a walker for Mom. That surfaced some memories, that hurt. The trees where we last kissed that night. Where the ferris wheel was that night. The spot under the dock, the porch on Grandmother's house where I paced back and forth waiting for Mom to arrive, where I had butterflies in my stomach. All of that. It wasn't so painful seeing it, it was painful leaving it. And then, halfway on the way home, I suddenly realized that we would be passing by his house. I ended up get more and more nervous the closer we got. Probably nervous that I would see him. I didn't, but I did see his van in his driveway. Jeff and I worked out everything. So, that's a relief. Now, just for Dana to call. Just to get this over with. It's been a tired, stressful day. I just need sleep. Which should come easily tonight, since I'm already falling asleep. If something happens soon, I'll write a supplemental blog. Goodnight.

Today’s Song: Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I wish I could say my Thanksgiving was happy. All I could think about was Dana and Jeff. How Dana is showing interest again. How Jeff is pissed at me. It's all so difficult. I half want Dana to just call, and get this over with. The other half of me is afraid. I'm going to avoid talking about those two, or that entire subject tonight, since there isn't anything new. Mom is getting quite nervous. We have to get into the hospital by 7:30 tomorrow morning. We'll have to leave between 6:30 and 7. Thankfully, dad isn't staying the entire time. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do the entire time. I know Heather will be coming. That will keep me busy for a little bit. I'll blog at that time too, assuming I can use my laptop in the lobby. I hope so anyways. Otherwise it will be quite boring. Well, I suppose now would be a good time to talk about what I did at my Aunt's house. It wasn't all that interesting really. I ate more than I have in quite some time. And my stomach wasn't used to that. Hm……it was nice to see JJ again. Other than that, it was boring. And that being said, I don't believe there is anything else to talk about. So, goodnight.

Today’s Song: Calling All Angels by Jane Sibbery

Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copeilia, Santa Dominica, Mary Angelica
Frater Ached, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronella
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
And all the rest

A man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
And high above the church bells start to ring
And as the heaviness the body
Oh the heaviness settles in
Somewhere you can hear a mother sing

Then its one foot then the other
As you step out onto the road
How much weight? How much weight?
Then it's how long? And how far?
And how many times before its to late?

Calling all angels
Calling all angels
Walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone
Calling all angels
Calling all angels
We're cryin' and we're hurtin'
And we're not sure why...

And every day you gaze upon the sunset
With such love and intensity
Why it's...it's almost as if
If you could only crack the code
Then you'd finally understand what this all means

But if you could...do you think you would
Trade it in
All the pain and suffering?
Ah, but then you'd miss
The beauty of the light upon this earth
And the sweetness of the leaving

Calling all angels
Calling all angels
Walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone
Callin' all angels
Callin' all angels
We're tryin'
We're hopin'
We're hurtin'
We're lovin'
We're cryin'
We're callin'
'Cause we're not sure how this goes

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with this morning. Well, as usual Dana was in my dream, and in my thoughts when I woke up. My mom left for a doctor's appointment at 9. I was supposed to go to Rissi's today, but I couldn't. Mom didn't want to go anywhere. Chels was able to come for 45 minutes, only cause Mom said she could stay for an hour. After that, the rest of the day went downhill. I visited our spot on the prarie today. It was quite emotional. I cried, so hard and for so long. Amazing that it's still there after what….7 weeks or so now. I sang the Song for a Winter's Night. Cried during that, and Find My Way Back, cried during that too. But the night gets worse. Jeff is mad at me. Because I told him that Dana called Monday. And he showed curiosity, asking why I fell in love with him and all that. Jeff said to me, "you know what's going to happen now, right?" So of course, I asked what. "he's going to call you again. And say he loves you, and you're just going to forget all of what has happened and take him back." I probably would too. After all, Jeff has been right so far. So, he did admit he is mad at me. Because, I have hurt him. He loves me, and all I can do is think of Dana. Before he left tonight, he said "gotta go. We'll work this out later. Maybe". I thought to myself, great…another thing that I've managed to screw up. If only there were one magic answer. If only I knew what was going to happen. But as Jon would say, "I don't have a crystal ball". I'm leaving to Aunt Vicki's at 11, and it will be me, Dad, Vicki, Stephane, Josh and JJ. Mom is going to stay with Heather and Cody at home so Heather has someone to spend Thanksgiving with. Well, Dana didn't call tonight. Not surprised. I have started that novel. I've got 1,079 words or something like that written. I was thinking to myself today how I would like to be an NCIS Special Agent. I mean, it would be rewarding, fun, I'd get to see more of the world. I'd get to help people. But that will be for later consideration. I still have a while to figure it out. I have to get all of this current mess resolved before I can think about a future. I like writing my blogs. It helps my thoughts silence themselves so I can fall asleep….whenever I do. I am afraid I may not be able to break this sleeping habit. If it's been 6 weeks since it started and it's not gotten better, then I may be stuck with it a while longer. But at least I know I'm not the only one up in the late hours of night. Chels is always up late. Which is good, it gives me someone to talk to until I get tired enough to sleep, or attempt sleep for that matter. Rissi and I RP until she falls asleep. We have quite an intersting storyline. My characters are Luke, Lucinda, Lethe, JJ, Voulg, and Naliah. Rissi's characters are William, Gracia, and Valentin. Luke is a White Dragon/Fury/Warlock/Human. Lucinda is Luke's grandmother. Lethe is a Cat/Human. JJ is Luke's lover who recently died. Voulg is Luke's half brother and he is a Wolf/Human. Naliah is Luke's half sister and she too is a Wolf/Human. William is a Predo. Gracia is a Predo as well, she's the antagonist in the storyline. Valentin is a newcommer and is a Hunter of sorts. I'll talk more about them later. It's almost time for David Letterman. I hope things get better soon. Goodnight everyone.

Today’s Song: Find My Way Back by Martha Byrne

You had the bluest eyes
A stare I memorized
Like a sacred prayer

You didn't have that much to say
But I listened anyway
I could see right through

I held on for so long
'Cause somehow I knew

Like a breath of air
You were always there
And I will find my way back
Even on my own
You are my home
And I will find my way back

I know you so well
There are things I'll never tell
Now your secret's safe

I've been walkin' next to you
What you want, I wanted too
Now just take my hand

Time may be broken
But we are strong

Like a breath of air
You were always there
And I will find my way back
And wherever I go
You are my soul
And I will find my way back

To you
You could turn on me
You could run away
But no matter what you do
I will always be in love with you

Like a breath of air
You were always there
And I will find my way back
Even on my own
You are my home
And I will find my way back

Like a breath of air
You were always there
And I will find my way back

And wherever you go
You're in my soul
And you will find your way back
And you will find your way back
And I will find my way back

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Good day. It wasn't really an intersting day. I had a class of sorts that lasted a little over an hour. I got to know some of the kids in my school, that Lorie deals with anyway. Some of them are quite interesting. Remember how I said that he said he'd call? I decided to wait until 9:25 this evening to try and be presistant. Ha, that got me no where. He didn't call. I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. But yet it still manages to get to me. The only thing I can do now is wait until Friday and try calling him again. I did go to Rissi's house today. We didn't do a whole lot. I'm supposed to go to her house tomorrow to work on our GSA proposals. I haven't heard from Jeff in quite some time. I am thinking he's just out for Thanksgiving. I hope he's not mad at me or anything. He promised me he wasn't. After I came home from Rissi's house, things weren't going well. Mom was on the phone with my sister, Sephane. She had said she wasn't coming down for Thanksgiving. Heather already can't come because she has to work, and mom was going to stay at home with her. Which would leave me with just Dad and Aunt Vicki. Dad said if it was just going to be that, he wasn't going to go anywhere. But that just wouldn't be right. Stephane called later and said that she was going to come down and that she and Josh(her ex boyfriend, JJ's father), and JJ (My nephew) would have to leave at 6. Thanksgiving just isn't going to seem right this year I guess. Ah, there it goes again. It's just nothing seems to work to get him out of my head. I love him, I really really do. I hope he comes back. Yesterday he gave me hope, that perhaps he was re-thinking things, or at least starting to. He said he'd call tonight, but he didn't. I called him three times and sent one text message. But that ended in failiure obviously. I guess all I can do is wait. Maybe he'll call tomorrow. I won't answer if he calls Thursday, he shouldn't anyway. But Friday I'll be presistant again. I'll call like normal. At 9 o'clock. Well, I guess that's all for tonight. Goodnight everybody.

Today’s Song: Song for a Winter’s Night by Sarah McLachlan

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly fallin'
The air is still in the silence of my room
I hear you voice softly calling

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overheard
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are liftin'
The mornin' light steals across my window pane
Where webs of snow are driftin'

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you
And to be once again with you
To be once again with you

Monday, November 24, 2008

Good day everyone. It's been an interesting day. I woke up at, yup, you guessed it 6:00. My mom called at 8, to make sure I was up since my appointment was at 9. We started to leave at 8:30 or so, and I get a text message. I said to my mom "that could be one of two people, Chels or Rissi." Turns out, it was neither. "Guten Morgan" the message read. At the end, the signature read "Dana" I replied by saying "Morning…" I then sent a text to Chels, making sure she was still coming over today. So, I went into see Jon, and he told me quite a bit. Of course, as always it was good and made sense. I left in a good mood. I knew that I had to think about what he said, but I decided to wait until I got home to do that. I looked at my phone to see what Chels had said back, and I had another message from Dana. It said "How did you wake up this morning, truthfully." I thought to myself, great, she told him. I replied "…she told you. Well, I woke up thinking about you, like I have since Tuesday Dana." I received nothing back, I didn't expect to. So I got home, and I did my work for the day with school, made my next action plan and sent it to Lorie. I couldn't do anything with catch-up work until she e-mailed me back, and she didn't So, I waitied for Chels to come over. She was early, like she normally is on Mondays. So we played Super Smash Bros. Melee, then Metroid Prime 2. Then, she left at 5:30. I knew I was calling Dana today, yet I didn't try at that time. Instead, I went outside and I listened to music and texted Chels and Emily. I came in to eat, and I called Dana before I called Emily at 7. His phone was off, yet Jessi's phone was on. It didn't bother me much, I was going to try again at 9 anyway. When 9 came around, I figured I'd give him 15 minutes to call on his own before I went to be my presistant self. He called back at 9:25 or so. Right away he started being curious. He asked why I fell in love with him. He asked why I loved him so much. He asked about how I could love someone so much to not sleep, and not eat, to wake up crying. I told him, that the man I always dreamed that I'd spend the rest of my life with, the man that I always dreamed I'd love forever had so many things in common with him. He said that he'd call tomorrow, after 9 of course. We said goodnight and that was it. I feel as if something is sparking, even just a little. Like I said, just a matter of time. Everything is a matter of time. I really believe that this will turn out good, at one point or another. In the mean time, I have to hold on. He'll call tomorrow and I will hopefully get more of his thought processes. So, I have to finish this before midnight, so goodnight.

Today’s Song: Good Enough by Evanescence

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you tourture me so sweetly
Now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completley lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completley
Now I can't let go of this dream
Can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
It's been such a long time coming but I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
Am I good enough for you to love me to?

So take care what you ask of me
Because I can't say no.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I have marked today as the beginning of my recovery. It's also the 6 week mark. I woke up this morning crying again. My dream last night was once again about Dana, as it has been since Tuesday. I again didn't eat much today either. You know, when you look at all the things that have been going on since Tuesday, you realize how hard this really has been. I haven't been able to go five minutes without thinking about him, I've dreamed about nothing but him, I haven't eaten much, my sleeping habits, anxiety attack. At least that's what I'm calling them, anxiety attacks. It's a sharp pain I get in my chest that lasts for around an hour or so, and I only get them when I'm stressed. All that together, when I think about it, seems like this is extremley hard on me. It wasn't that hard to start loving him, yet it seems to hard to stop. Gerron didn't visit last night. I wish there was some way that all this could just….end. Either make me move on, or make him come back. I can't handle doing this very long. I am seriously considering writing that novel. I'm not sure what it will be about, but I'm quite sure I'll do it. Jessi messaged me on myspace after I had told her what I just wrote here about what I've been going through. She said that he may not like me in the way that I would like him to, but he still cares and he tells her that everyday. And he listens to our song everyday as well. Find My Way Back by Martha Byrne. That tells me that it's still there. We still have it. That we will find our way back. In time. Everything is just a matter of time. I have a little bit of my book, INVASION! Star Trek Voyager: The Final Fury, left. I'm not sure what I'll read after that. Chels said she was coming over tomorrow. I hope she does, she'll provide a good distraction after I see Jon. Mom says she's staying behind for Thanksgiving, because Heather can't go. Stephane and dad don't like her, but mom and I can see that she's making progress. I feel that our family is torn when it comes to Heather. Mom and I support her, and Stephane and dad just think that she'll never get anywhere. I'm not sure how Aunt Vicki feels about it, but I would imagine she has a view more like dad's. Tomorrow is Monday, and it's back to school….until Wednesday anyway. I have to e-mail Lorie tomorrow, so that I can keep moving along in my catch-up work. I don't have much else to do tomorrow. I'll wake up, go to see Jon, then come home and work on some work and then Chelsey will come over. That being said, I think I'll start that novel now. So goodnight.

Today’s Song: See Who I Am by Within Temptation

Starting today, I'm going to give a song everyday that fits my mood. I'll give the name in the heading, and the lyrics here. Enjoy today's song J

 

Is it true what they say
Are we blind to find our way
Fear of the unknown
Cloud our hearts today.

Come into my world
See through my eyes
Try to understand
Don't want to lose what we have

We've been dreaming
For who can't deny
It's the best way of living
Between the truth and the lies

See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands
This is not the end

Fear is withering the soul
At the point of no return
We must be the change we wish to see

I'll come into your world
See through your eyes
I'll try to understand
Before we lose what we have

We just can't stop believing
Because we have to try
We can rise above the truth and the lies

See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands

See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands
This is not the end

Hear the silence
Reach out my blame
Will our strength remain?
If the power rise

See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands

See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands
This is not the end

The Story of Dana

Rissi had told me one day of a new freshman, named Dana. This was near the beginning of school. She had told me a little of him, mostly that he was gay. At this time, I was dating Jeff, who is from New York. But we loved each other, very much. So, the third week of school, Tuesday during Shakespeare Club, I finalliy met Dana. I looked at him, and I could feel myself blush. We went the entire time, and I was trying to ignore the fact that I was starting to like him. And then I went to the dance that Friday. He asked me out that night, and I said yes. Jeff had already known of Dana and said it would be ok if I wanted to date him, since Dana could give me more than he could. So, the very next week was homecomming. I went to the dance, and that was the first night we kissed. My mom and sister found out I was gay the very next day. The next Friday, I went to the Oktoberfest with him, which is where we rode the ferris wheel together, and kissed with tounge for the first time. It was a great night. A week after, he informed me that he may have to move back to Fergus Falls in June. But, then a week after this he decided that we needed a break. I was already not doing well, but to do that to me, for no plausable reason just hurt. And then the very next day, he said we needed to be just friends for a while. So, 5 weeks went by, and I found out that he had recently started to think, THINK, he loves someone else. So, of course, I was really hurt at this point. From here on, the rest of the story you already know.

Satruday, November 22, 2008

Well, today was a bit interesting. Marissa went to see the movie Twilight. She texted me afterwords and Dana was there with her and a few other people. Dana called me, and I had told him everything but the part where if he ever wanted to come back, my heart would be open to him. He had to leave before I could do that. So he called about two hours later, and I had told him that. I thought I would have felt better saying all that, but I actually didn't. I felt worse. Or perhaps it was the fact that he didn't have anything to day. I really want him to say something about it. I also made a promise to myself to call him only on Mondays and Thursdays. So when I call Monday, I am going to ask him to say at least something about it, not nothing. Perhaps if he says something about it, it will make me feel better. Gerron, who visits my dreams every so often, visited last night. I believe him to be my sub-consience. He bares a resemblance to me, but he thinks on a higher level than I do, and he knows everything I do. He told me not to give up hope, that he will return one day. But he said it wouldn't be in the very short-term. Which I would figure is a month or so. My music helps me cope with everything so much. So do Chels, Rissi, Jacob and Jeff. Emily too. I call them my team. Rissi and Jacob get me through the morning and afternoon, Jeff gets me through the evening, Emily gets me until 9, and then Chels gets me until I fall asleep. Otherwise, I'm quite sure I would go insane. I'm going to post the entire story about Dana, since none of you know about it yet. So, goodnight then.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Well, today wasn't as bad as yesterday was. I didn't wake up crying uncontrollably. My mind is in a little bit of a fog about that, I don't remember what I did from the time I got up, and the time I went downstairs, and even a little after that. I am also still concerned about how I'm eating. I didn't eat much more today than I did yesterday. And I'm writing this at 11:00 at night as well. I miss Dana. I really do, but I cam staying with my mentality. Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. Because, I love him, and if he doesn't want to be with me right now, then I wound't make him. That would make him unhappy, and then I would be unhappy. I hope to speak to him sometimes very soon, so I can get this part of it over with. I plan to tell him the following: "Dana, I've been thinking. What does it matter to me? I love you Dana, all that matters to me is your happiness. So, if all this makes you happy, then I'm ok with it. I want to stay friends with you, I can't lose you completley. And, if you ever feel you want me back, then, my heart will always be open to you." Because, that's really all that matters. Obviously, my sleeping problems haven't gotten better, or worse for that matter. I just wish they would go back to normal. Going to bed after midnight and waking up before 6:30 is starting to get annoying. I haven't gotten mad with dad in a few days. Mom was snapping at me a couple of times earlier this evening. Other than that, today was pretty uneventful. I had a sophmore class meeting. School is getting better, I'm getting caught up now. I'm considering writing a novel or something, to keep me busy while I'm not doing school work. Well, I have nothing else to add for tonight. Goodnight.