Rissi had told me one day of a new freshman, named Dana. This was near the beginning of school. She had told me a little of him, mostly that he was gay. At this time, I was dating Jeff, who is from New York. But we loved each other, very much. So, the third week of school, Tuesday during Shakespeare Club, I finalliy met Dana. I looked at him, and I could feel myself blush. We went the entire time, and I was trying to ignore the fact that I was starting to like him. And then I went to the dance that Friday. He asked me out that night, and I said yes. Jeff had already known of Dana and said it would be ok if I wanted to date him, since Dana could give me more than he could. So, the very next week was homecomming. I went to the dance, and that was the first night we kissed. My mom and sister found out I was gay the very next day. The next Friday, I went to the Oktoberfest with him, which is where we rode the ferris wheel together, and kissed with tounge for the first time. It was a great night. A week after, he informed me that he may have to move back to Fergus Falls in June. But, then a week after this he decided that we needed a break. I was already not doing well, but to do that to me, for no plausable reason just hurt. And then the very next day, he said we needed to be just friends for a while. So, 5 weeks went by, and I found out that he had recently started to think, THINK, he loves someone else. So, of course, I was really hurt at this point. From here on, the rest of the story you already know.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Satruday, November 22, 2008
Well, today was a bit interesting. Marissa went to see the movie Twilight. She texted me afterwords and Dana was there with her and a few other people. Dana called me, and I had told him everything but the part where if he ever wanted to come back, my heart would be open to him. He had to leave before I could do that. So he called about two hours later, and I had told him that. I thought I would have felt better saying all that, but I actually didn't. I felt worse. Or perhaps it was the fact that he didn't have anything to day. I really want him to say something about it. I also made a promise to myself to call him only on Mondays and Thursdays. So when I call Monday, I am going to ask him to say at least something about it, not nothing. Perhaps if he says something about it, it will make me feel better. Gerron, who visits my dreams every so often, visited last night. I believe him to be my sub-consience. He bares a resemblance to me, but he thinks on a higher level than I do, and he knows everything I do. He told me not to give up hope, that he will return one day. But he said it wouldn't be in the very short-term. Which I would figure is a month or so. My music helps me cope with everything so much. So do Chels, Rissi, Jacob and Jeff. Emily too. I call them my team. Rissi and Jacob get me through the morning and afternoon, Jeff gets me through the evening, Emily gets me until 9, and then Chels gets me until I fall asleep. Otherwise, I'm quite sure I would go insane. I'm going to post the entire story about Dana, since none of you know about it yet. So, goodnight then.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Well, today wasn't as bad as yesterday was. I didn't wake up crying uncontrollably. My mind is in a little bit of a fog about that, I don't remember what I did from the time I got up, and the time I went downstairs, and even a little after that. I am also still concerned about how I'm eating. I didn't eat much more today than I did yesterday. And I'm writing this at 11:00 at night as well. I miss Dana. I really do, but I cam staying with my mentality. Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. Because, I love him, and if he doesn't want to be with me right now, then I wound't make him. That would make him unhappy, and then I would be unhappy. I hope to speak to him sometimes very soon, so I can get this part of it over with. I plan to tell him the following: "Dana, I've been thinking. What does it matter to me? I love you Dana, all that matters to me is your happiness. So, if all this makes you happy, then I'm ok with it. I want to stay friends with you, I can't lose you completley. And, if you ever feel you want me back, then, my heart will always be open to you." Because, that's really all that matters. Obviously, my sleeping problems haven't gotten better, or worse for that matter. I just wish they would go back to normal. Going to bed after midnight and waking up before 6:30 is starting to get annoying. I haven't gotten mad with dad in a few days. Mom was snapping at me a couple of times earlier this evening. Other than that, today was pretty uneventful. I had a sophmore class meeting. School is getting better, I'm getting caught up now. I'm considering writing a novel or something, to keep me busy while I'm not doing school work. Well, I have nothing else to add for tonight. Goodnight.