Monday, December 14, 2009

Ah. Well good evening my wonderful people. Sorry for my absence (especially since I promised a while ago to post…..yea…sorry 'bout that). Instead of catching you up, I shall just start from today. However, if something comes up, I will explain. Well. I took a 14 minute shower today. WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS THAT?! Dad decided, "oh! I need to use the bathroom." But of course, I figured he needed to use the bathroom to GO to the bathroom. But no. He wanted to kick me out of the shower, to USE the shower. What an asshole. He wanted me OUT of the shower, to go IN the shower and use MY stuff. Gr. Upon. Him. AND his nonesense. Ah well. Hm…what else is there…? Hm. I can't really think of anymore today. So I shall leave you to whatever you were doing. And I shall leave you with a song. Funnyman by KT Tunstall. :D

Monday, August 31, 2009

Oh my…last day before school. Ew. Well…Not sure what all to write about tonight. I'll keep it short, because I'm kinda tired. Well…I went to the mall today. With Rissi and Bel. Rissi bought me a Cappi. I was happy. :D I haven't had one in a while. It's starting to get cold outside now. I like that. I can sing outside at night again. J I know, I'm odd. I like doing that. It gives me something to do. And I enjoy it. Rissi bought me a Shakespeare book when she was in DC. She also brought over some…other items which will go unnamed. I was feeling really sick in the cars today. Probably my allergies. You know what's bothering me? Jacob's sleep schedule. Half the time when I'm awake, he's asleep. And when he's awake, I'm asleep. We never get to talk that way. And now with school coming up, we get to talk even less. I love having conversations with him. But they never seem to…really carry. They start, and a few sentences later they stop. I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to have a conversation with him that will last a while, but I don't know what to…really talk about. Especially since he gets distracted and occupied, and he disappears. I don't know…sometimes I think he's…not really paying attention at all. Of course, I know he is…but…I don't know. This will be so much easier when we're physically together. Until then…I can't help but wonder. If Jacob ever gets to reading this…I'm sorry Lullaby. But, this is where I let my thoughts out; otherwise they stay inside and bug me. I can't tell any of this to you. Even though you'll end up reading it…whenever you DO get to my blogs… Anyway…I think that's enough for tonight. So, goodnight. Today's song: Love Is On The Way by Billy Porter

Friday, August 28, 2009

Ah, what a wonderful night to start blogging again. :D Ah…where to begin. Let's see…Jacob. Wow…8 months soon. Where does time go? I wonder what it will feel like in 4 months…to be dating him for a year. I'll tell you one thing, I will love it. I love him. More than I ever loved Dana…or Jeff. He's more perfect than the others. Jeff was an amazing guy. But he lived far away. Dana…he was more of an infatuation. Someone I dated just because he was available, and lived here. Sure, I feel horrible saying that, but I think that's what it was. Jacob…he's amazing. He has everything I've dreamed of. He's nice, smart. Probably cute. Defiantly has a hot voice. That's right! He talked to me on the phone while I was in Oshkosh this year. His voice….is so amazing. Sure, he's left me voicemails saying "I love you". But it's different to actually talk to him. It's much better. His laugh is amazing too. But then I screwed up on the day I left Oshkosh this year. So there was a cute guy (probably gay too) I named him Noah. And I kinda told Jacob about how I kept watching him. And he didn't tell me that he was already in a bad mood. So, it kinda made him feel horrible. But…I suppose that's one of the only things that bother me about Jacob. He doesn't always tell me exactly how he feels. But, I'm sure he'll get better with that over time. I can't wait until I can spend a lot of time with him. Of course, the problem is, once I see him at Oshkosh, waiting an entire year to see him again will be an eternity. A sacrifice that I'm willing to make. I plan to have Bel get a second Campsite Pass so Jacob and I and her can sleep a little ways from the camper. Only a little ways though. Anyway, Jacob is simply amazing. I call him Lullaby sometimes. :D I love him. One of the things I love most about him is how he appears to be mysterious. This guy, who lives in Green Bay. His name is Jacob. That's all normal people would know about him. He's always been reluctant to tell me any more than that, but of course, he failed at that. But, I wouldn't be able to tell you much of anything. :D Anyway, next subject. I hate writing about this one, but I do because it makes me feel better to have it written. Dana. Btw, Bel and I decided to call him Kes. So, he'll be referred to Kes from now on. Kes decided to tell me that we should really let each other go, but stay friends. It's not so easy to just, cut him out like that. Even he can't do it. Of course, because I have Jacob, it'll make it easier and quicker for me. Only time will help that situation. I haven't heard from Kes since….well…3 weeks ago. He's supposed to be coming back to Holmen in a day or two. He still wants to watch Skins at my house. But I don't know if we ever will. Next subject…Mom has to have surgery on her other foot. You all remember what the other one was like…me having to wake up at early hours, having to get Dad up…make his lunch, etc. Yup….I have to do it all over again. But this time will be different. I'd tell you how right now, but that'd be giving Bel a spoiler, because she's gonna read this blog. And she gets to find out tomorrow anyway. :P HAI BEL! Anyways….ha….I'm worried about mom. Her health is getting worse. The pulmonary doctor said he can't do anything more for her. Her regular doctor isn't finding many other solutions for her other problems. At least she's getting her foot problem fixed. But…the problem is really that Dad doesn't seem to care. Which bothers the hell out of me. But, I'll probably write more about that tomorrow. Next…Rissi. She's more bothersome lately. She tried to tell me that she knows what love is really like, when she's been dating her girlfriend for less than a month. As compared to how I'm pretty sure I know what love is, and I've been dating Jacob almost 8 months. Sure, I'm no where near an expert of love, but I do know more than she does. Do you want to know my honest opinion? I think she's a lesbian because I'm gay. It's like she's trying to steal the gay idea from me. "Oh, I'm gayer than you are" Hell, she wasn't even gay until AFTER she knew I was. It's like a new idea that she just had to be. Like a new clothes trend, everyone wants to try it. And she's trying to monopolize the gay thing too. Like I can't have a part in it at all. Like I don't know it. She challenges my intelligence about it, and it bothers the hell out of me. But I don't dare tell her about it. Because she'll deny it. And have this huge fit. And I'll just get even more pissed off. Hmph. Gr. Anyway. I haven't mentioned how my Aunt/Godmother Jackie DELETED me. She's such a bitch, you know? I'm trying to be nice to her. She ignores me. So I give her a slight attitude, SLIGHT. And she deletes me. She's so shallow she probably thought my mom put me up to it or something. Screw her. Hm…school starts in less than a week. I'm determined to stay caught up this year. Even be a day ahead, so I don't have to worry about school work when I have to go with mom to run errands and stuff like that. Well, that's about it for tonight. I'm getting kinda tired. So, I'll keep posting everyday. Or almost everyday. I'll also start the whole song of the day thing again. It'll be like old times right? So you all know, Coffee is the finest organic suspension ever devised. :D Goodnight.

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Hi everyone. I think I need to start blogging again. Oh dear...well, this is just kinda saying that you should watch for more posts soon. I'm going to need to do them. Thanks for all of you who actually read these.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Ah, hello my old friends. Sorry for my abnormally long absence. But, have no fear! I have returned. Hahaaa. Oh....gods....where do I begin.... Indeed a lot has happened since January. Dana, in fact, does love me. It's a relief, yet....it isn't. I actually don't yet understand it. Since the first day he called me after our break-up, we haven't talked much. He did, however, call on my birthday. That was nice. Hm, we'll get back to him in a bit. Meanwhile, Jacob and I started dating. I do find Jacob more amazing that Dana. He and I talk more, he's more....romantic. Although, there are a few things that remain mysterious about him. Like, what he looks like...his last name...and this last one sounds kinda funny, but what makes him tick. But, I like that I don't know everything about him. It keeps me curious. I can't remember if I have mentioned this before, but I have decided to move to my sister's for the next school year. Everything was going fine. I was happy about it. There is more opportunity there for me, something new. Not to mention being closer to Jacob. But, recently, Dana caught wind of it. He called, which was the first time since my birthday. He was sad, and mad about it. I told him, that when I had agreed to it, I was under the assumption that he wasn't staying here. He told me that it is unlikely that he is going back to Fergus. That makes things a hell of a lot harder. That was another reason I had agreed to move. To give me time away from that memory. Time to really think and focus on other things. But now, knowing that he will be in Holmen while I am not, makes me feel...sad. Either way, I still care for Dana, a lot. I do still love him, and I couldn't hurt him like that. But then again, Jacob...I love him too. But I love Jacob more than I do Dana right now. And...on top of all of this, tomorrow will be the first time I have seen Dana since he left my house before Christmas break...almost three months ago. That will not be easy, and I have all day to prepare. But...you are probably wondering, "what about Jeff?" Well, to answer that question, he and I haven't talked much recently. He hasn't been on a whole lot. So, if something comes up with him, you will know. Stephane's wedding is soon too. And I might even have to be a groomsman. Chelsey and I have been hanging out a lot. She has helped me through difficult times. And, Rissi has too. Even though last night she made me think. By the way, thinking is dangerous, don't ever do it. Let's see....what else... I'm desperately searching for a job right now. My summer job at the Park & Rec is still in place. But I am getting paid more this year J $7.25 an hour. Which is happy making. J Well, I hope to start posting more here, so be on the lookout for more. Goodnight.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Good evening. I've come to terms with the fact that Dana isn't coming back. It's not easy. But it must be done. Something I have to deal with, something I don't have a choice in. I've decided to occupy my time with my story instead of thinking about what might have been. Something that easily distracts me. I've also decided to revive some old, yet unimportant, habits. Every day I put in 2 wristbands. One that says ISWI-Power to Choose, and one that says Freedom. I also put on a Rainbow Armband, along with my Rainbow necklace. And of course, my watch. I have to start thinking about school more. Although it will be hard with Dana gone, I have to do it to pass this semester. Otherwise I risk going back to Holmen. Which would be a nightmare. I've recently re-done the songs on my iPod. I can't bring myself to delete Find My Way Back. I also can hardly bring myself to listen to it. All of the things he's ever given me are now put away in a drawer. The only thing out now is the Mega Buddy drink cup he brought the last time he was here. The hardest thing to put away was his ID card. I was so used to putting in it my pocket everyday, and I freaked if I didn't feel it in my pocket. Putting it in that drawer was just…so hard. But it had to be done. These things had to be done. And I can't do anything about it, because I can't change what I have done. Hm. Ah well. I wish there was a way to undo what I did, but I can't. I can't explain it to anyone what I mean, and I apologize for that. But, all I can tell you is it is my fault. There isn't any way that you could change my mind. For now, I say goodnight. I may have to write another blog later. I'm not sure yet. But goodnight for now.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

This is the blog I had hoped I never had to write. Again anyways. Well, I'm pretty sure we're finished this time. Dana said he doesn't love me anymore. And, I knew this was coming. I ignored all the signs. All of them. And it's my entire fault. I had survived the two weeks relatively nicely. And, not that it would have mattered. I knew this would happen once he left. But it's all my fault. Nothing anyone can say will ever change that. I'm happy that we had the time we did. I wish it would have lasted longer. I would have loved him, cared for him every minute. And I still do. I don't think that will ever change. But there isn't anything I can do but accept that it's over. And that it's all because of me. Nothing anyone can say will make me think otherwise. Because that is the truth. It is completely my fault, all my fault. I'm sorry. I can't write anymore right now. Perhaps tomorrow when I'm better. Goodnight.