Sunday, January 11, 2009

Good evening. I've come to terms with the fact that Dana isn't coming back. It's not easy. But it must be done. Something I have to deal with, something I don't have a choice in. I've decided to occupy my time with my story instead of thinking about what might have been. Something that easily distracts me. I've also decided to revive some old, yet unimportant, habits. Every day I put in 2 wristbands. One that says ISWI-Power to Choose, and one that says Freedom. I also put on a Rainbow Armband, along with my Rainbow necklace. And of course, my watch. I have to start thinking about school more. Although it will be hard with Dana gone, I have to do it to pass this semester. Otherwise I risk going back to Holmen. Which would be a nightmare. I've recently re-done the songs on my iPod. I can't bring myself to delete Find My Way Back. I also can hardly bring myself to listen to it. All of the things he's ever given me are now put away in a drawer. The only thing out now is the Mega Buddy drink cup he brought the last time he was here. The hardest thing to put away was his ID card. I was so used to putting in it my pocket everyday, and I freaked if I didn't feel it in my pocket. Putting it in that drawer was just…so hard. But it had to be done. These things had to be done. And I can't do anything about it, because I can't change what I have done. Hm. Ah well. I wish there was a way to undo what I did, but I can't. I can't explain it to anyone what I mean, and I apologize for that. But, all I can tell you is it is my fault. There isn't any way that you could change my mind. For now, I say goodnight. I may have to write another blog later. I'm not sure yet. But goodnight for now.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

This is the blog I had hoped I never had to write. Again anyways. Well, I'm pretty sure we're finished this time. Dana said he doesn't love me anymore. And, I knew this was coming. I ignored all the signs. All of them. And it's my entire fault. I had survived the two weeks relatively nicely. And, not that it would have mattered. I knew this would happen once he left. But it's all my fault. Nothing anyone can say will ever change that. I'm happy that we had the time we did. I wish it would have lasted longer. I would have loved him, cared for him every minute. And I still do. I don't think that will ever change. But there isn't anything I can do but accept that it's over. And that it's all because of me. Nothing anyone can say will make me think otherwise. Because that is the truth. It is completely my fault, all my fault. I'm sorry. I can't write anymore right now. Perhaps tomorrow when I'm better. Goodnight.