Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 *supplemental*

*sigh* So I’m up. At 4:12. In the morning. Because I can’t sleep. Because there are spiders. All over my room. Big. Mean. Gigantical spiders. That want to crawl on me and bite me and…ugh. It’s a miracle I’m not tired yet. This entry will not be posted on Facebook. However, one might stumble upon it if they go through all of the blogs I made. I’m listening to a song. It’s by Alexander Rybak, and it’s just him and his violin. It’s amazing. And very moving. Peaceful. Makes me sit here and think, which is a dangerous thing. Especially since ____ is on my mind. *sigh* Stupid boys. He’s just so…cute. And…uuughhh. I don’t normally like to say that life sucks. But. Life sucks. I was stupid, and took the air conditioner out of my window. Letting all the spiders in. And then it went and stormed. And then I went and thought. And now I’m sitting here, wishing I hadn’t taken the air conditioner out of my window, because then I’d be asleep. Not thinking about him. Heh. Listen to me. From your point of view, one might think I have a crush on him. Maybe I do. People can be in relationships, yet still develop crushes on other people. Now, if it turns into possible love, that’s concerning. And as long as one doesn’t act upon these thoughts, and still loves the person they are with, then I fail to see the problem. Of course, you’re all free to tell me if I’m wrong. He’s simply so…cute. And lovable. But the moment I start thinking that, I’m forced to think of Jacob. Not only is he my boyfriend, but he’s cute, too. And lovable in his own way. His own unique way. Now, one of you might never see where you could love him. He is always distracted by something else, he’s never romantic, he avoids sexual conversations, he doesn’t get broken up about not getting to see me, he has this annoying strong prejudice against certain groups… See, these are the bad parts of him. Do you see what I meant when I said that his bad parts are quite bad? He also has this annoying non-friend. His name is Brian. I nicknamed him “the Cancer”. Mostly because all he does is sit in Jacob’s room, using his computer or his Xbox and eating his food. Jacob doesn’t even like him. He finds him annoying. And wishes he would never come over. But he’ll never say it to Brian. Never. If he doesn’t want Brian to come over anymore, why not just tell him? Perhaps that’s just the way he is. It is literally impossible for him to sit there and do nothing. He needs the TV on to sleep at night, which I can understand. I used to need the radio, but as long as there is some sort of noise in my room, I’m fine. But other than that, he has to be doing something. Reading a forum, talking to other people on MSN or Vent. That’s another thing that bothers me. Vent. He absolutely refuses to ever call me. But he’ll talk to people he doesn’t know on the internet. *sigh* I’ve only ever got him to take one picture of himself. Whereas he has 4 of me. If this were…a year ago, I’d believe you if you told me that I shouldn’t rush things, or worry about it. But we’ve been dating a year and a half now. He’s called me twice. And given me one picture of himself. I learned his last name, only because he thought he was going to lose me. When you get past all of this, which is quite bad from your point of view no doubt, he’s not all that bad. He can be sweet, he’s capable of being romantic, he’s cute, he’s nice to the people he cares about. I know he cares about me, and I know he loves me. It’s just, right now he has a funny way of showing it, mostly because he doesn’t know how. I’m sorry. There I go again making a rant on Jacob. When this was originally about someone else. In two days, I can put my feet up, take off my shirt and tan under the Oshkosh sun. Take a ride on my bike. Plane watch. Tour the museum again. Take a visit to Pioneer Airport. Read my books. Countless things. Here? I can just sit on the computer or in my spider infested room hoping I won’t think. And now the forecast calls for another chance of strong to severe thunderstorms on Sunday. The day after I leave, but it looks to stay mostly over here. I could not handle being alone in a thunderstorm in a camper. That would be torture. Hm. At least I’ll have plenty of time to blog every day. Ugh. Great, now that. And I absolutely hate it when this happens. They happen every once in a while. I call them anxiety attacks. I’m surprised I didn’t have one earlier. It’s a sharp sudden pain in my chest that doesn’t go away for a while. If you look back in my blogs a year or possibly two ago, you’d see another time I blogged about it. Albeit for a different reason, but it’s there. Anyway. It’s no wonder why I’m having it. Spiders. Thunderstorms. No one to comfort me. And all the ranting I’ve been doing. Ah well. It needs to go somewhere. That and I do not believe it helped that I drank so much pop today. I drank WAY too much. I do that when I get stressed though… Another nasty habit that I should really think about fixing. Punishment is that I have to drink water and milk today. That’s not so bad. I need to make it a while longer. Then I can go upstairs and try and kill the spiders in my room that should be as cold as a freezer. And then try and sleep a little. Never slept during the day before…should be interesting. I laugh at dad. He’s only going to have gotten like, 2 1/2 hours of sleep by the time mom wakes him up for work. She should be getting up in about 13 minutes. It’s been a while since I’ve been up this long. And never have I been up this long downstairs. AirVenture is still missing a major signature attraction. Last year it was the Airbus A380, the world’s largest airliner. The year before it was the Boeing DreamLifter, which carries parts for the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner. They’re hoping that that can make at least a flyover this year, since Boeing is severely behind in testing and delivery. I’m tempted to just go now and try and kill the spiders. But. I want to wait until it’s light out. Anyway, I’m doing that rambling from subject to subject about absolutely nothing. I don’t exactly know what I’ll do for the next hour or so. But I’ll think of something.

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Good day. Ha. Good. Right. Astraphobia sucks. :( Storms are horrible things. Especially ones with tornadoes. I don’t like seeing clouds swirl like I did today. I realize I’m posting this on Facebook. And my astraphobia isn’t exactly something I go broadcasting everywhere, but I need a venting outlet. And that's the purpose of my blog. To write and rant and rave and vent. And then put it out for the world to see. Makes me feel like I’ve taken a weight off my shoulders. Maybe I’m just weird. But isn’t that why you all love me? :P Anyway. Astraphobia. Clouds should not swirl. Especially not over my house. I stood there in shock. Woah. These clouds are spinning. I sat there. I came back in the house, and I sat down to look at the radar. I got back up a few minutes later, I’m totally freaking out. I was weak in my knees, I we shaking, and I was breathing heavy. I was trying to text Bel. No response. But she was probably across her room packing. I tried to text Jacob. Ha. No response, for one. And I don’t even know why I was trying. He once called my fear “irrational”. And all of the hazards of thunderstorms can be “avoided by way of logic and reasoning”. … I’m sorry. Not even two days ago there was almost half a tree that fell 5 feet from me. And that wasn’t even a thunderstorm. Lightning can kill. Quite quickly, the whole fast as light thing. Tornadoes can occur with little or no warning. Hail can hit you on the head, break windows, that sort of thing. Weather is unpredictable, and not always avoidable. Certainly not by logic and reasoning. *sigh* Ok. Guys. I realize I make Jacob sound like a horrible person. He’s not. You’re just hearing the bad parts that I need to rant about. I mean, while he has his bad parts, and mind you the bad parts are…quite annoying, he does have good parts. But there are times when they are hard to see. I blame the way he was raised. He’s had people hating him all his life, his parents consider him worthless, and really only talk to him when they want something from him. He’s never been loved in the way that I do. So when I bring something up like moving in with me or something, he shuts down because he doesn’t have any idea what to do. But, he also doesn’t let me show him. I’m perfectly fine with teaching what it means to be romantic or whatnot. He just has to let me. … No. Not every blog will contain a rant on Jacob. Let’s move on to another subject matter, shall we? Gr upon boys and their stupid cute faces that look so kissable. And gr upon their stupid amazing personalities. Yes. I have a boyfriend, and no, I’m not talking about him. Just because one has a boyfriend, does not mean one can’t look at other guys. Now, acting upon feelings or attraction to another guy is not ok. Just thought I’d mention how I feel on that, so you don’t think I’m going to cheat on Jacob or whatnot. There is this guy. Who shall not be named here. He’s cute. Ok, I separate guys into roughly three different groups: Hot, Cute, and Attractive. Hot guys are the guys I wouldn’t really ever date, but would certainly…you know. Cute guys are the ones that I would most definitely date, and of course eventually…you know. Attractive ones are the ones that I usually pass in the store, or some other place, that are simply fun to look at, but don’t fall into the other categories. Now, back on track. There is this cute guy. He’s sweet, and nice, and funny. And if I weren’t dating Jacob, I would totally go after him. I wouldn’t leave Jacob for him, though. Hm. If I had Jacob here with me, I think things would be so much easier. I’m so much more effective and convincing in person than over text. :/ If I continued talking about Jacob, I’d end up going into the college rant that I did in my last blog. Let’s not go there again, k? I had to take my air conditioner out of my window today, because otherwise the wind(that didn’t actually come, mind you) would likely have blown it out of my window. Now. The last time I did this, I introduced a population of many many tiny little spiders. At this time, I was already pissed because of Jacob and the whole “irrational fear” thing. And now I have billions of tiny tiny spiders crawling all over my bed, I broke down. And cried, which sounds pathetic. :( But now I have to deal with the tiny tiny spiders all over again. And then he does THAT. >.< “So when do you want to go to bed?” “Now. Goodnight. Love you.” … You KNOW I hate when you suddenly SPRING it on me. *sigh* I wish there was something I could do about it all. Ah well. I get to leave for vacation is 3 days. Which is amazing. :D As soon as the thunderstorms stop, I’m going to bed. After I put the air conditioner back in my window. Because otherwise it turns into an oven in my room. And I can’t sleep when I’m hot. I’d totally love to just go upstairs to my room and crash. Right now. Anyway. Dad still has to give mom the money we need to go grocery shopping for Oshkosh. Did I tell you? I got yelled at for doing what I’ve been told. Imagine that. It was going to storm right? And dad had the camper plugged into the barn. So what do I do? I unplug it…because if the lightning hits the cord, then the entire barn would probably burn down from the spark and the fire. So…apparently I wasn’t supposed to do that. It’s a safety measure that I’m supposed to ignore, because he was stupid and left stuff in the refrigerator, instead of putting it in HIS refrigerator. So that’s my fault. For being safe. ._. Anyway. I’m just gonna keep rambling on from subject to subject and kinda come to a point right about there. :P Anyway, I shall leave you with today’s song. :)

DAILY SONG+LINK: Memories by Within Temptation

Monday, July 12th, 2010

Hello everyone. I realize I’ve been a little AWOL. Sorry. Fear not, I have returned. :D There’s a bit to catch up on. And while I’m a big fan of wasting time, I think I’ll get right to it. And this will be the first post of my blog since putting the link on Facebook, so I might just have to censor a few things. For the sake of the people I’ll be talking about. *evil grin* Anyway, on with things. I leave for AirVenture in 5 days. Which is earlier than normal. 4 days earlier, in fact. I’ll be all by myself over there, too, until Wednesday of next week. Bel, sadly, won’t be coming until Thursday. It’s her and Tony’s 6 month anniversary, so I can understand why she would want to be with him for that. It takes a lot to make it half a year. I mean, look at me and Jacob, just getting past(barely) our year and a half mark. He was going to come to AirVenture with me this year. Until he screwed up and waited too long. His mother signed him up for driver’s ed classes. Which…he has yet to start…*raises an eyebrow* intruiging, isn’t it? So I, of course, got all depressed about it. I mean, this was going to be the first time we got to see each other. And now, it’s not going to happen. But apparently, I was taking it overboard. So I let up on it a little. I still get a little sad over it when I think about it, but life moves forward. I asked him about moving in with me down the line. Of course, he said he didn’t know. It was a sudden, random question, and I was kind of expecting that answer. So I gave him time. And I asked him again about a month or two later. Apparently, it wasn’t really that he didn’t know. He didn’t want to move to a place where people(my two closest friends), didn’t like him. So what? According to him, everyone where he lives hates him. Besides, Bel and Em won’t care as long as I’m happy. Then I learn later, that its more about going to college right out of high school. Stop for a minute. I don’t get to see you this summer. Meaning, that I’ll probably have to wait until NEXT summer, by which time you’ll already be getting ready to go to college in a place that is likley FAR from here, and I won’t get to see you for yet ANOTHER 4 years? No. You have a CHOICE. College? It’s always there. It can wait a year. He says his parents are practically forcing him to go right out of high school. No. By that time, you will be 18, and there is nothing they can do about it. I cannot give you that choice. Right now, we are hanging together by a thread. Things are going less than satisfactory. And if you think this will make it past college, then you will be sadly mistaken. If you decided to choose college before me, than I cannot continue this. … I’m sorry. I’ve appeard to have ranted all that at you. Let’s move to a different subject. My darling Bel. I told you she has a boyfriend. And I’m happy she does. She’s happy she does. But. We went on a road trip. The three of us. To Fond du Lac. To see Cartel, because there were playing at the Walleye Festival. The trip there was ok. And we had time to spare before Cartel played, so we walked around. Key word there: walking. Because Tony appears to be incapable of sitting in one spot for 5 minutes. We’d go over there and watch the water. The three of us sat down. Bel(I belive) and I were completley content to just sit there and watch the water. But. 5 minutes later. Tony gets up and starts walking away. And so Bel has to follow him. And me, with the only functioning phone, had to follow too. And we’d go through this everywhere. And then he started walking on my side of Bel. I have this thing, and Bel shares it, that I have to be to the left of her. Mostly because that’s her good ear, and since I apparently talk quiet, she can hear me better. And so he decided that it was HIS side. And so I was walking behind them. And then the trip back. *sigh* No more ranting about all of that. Suffice it to say, I don’t like him. And I’m glad he’s NOT coming to AirVenture with Bel. Let’s get to the present. Tony’s car is broke. And so he needs her everyday to be a taxi driver. Meaning she has no time to come over. And I’m quite sure that Tony by now HAS the money to fix his breaks. He just isn’t. And there’s something Bel doesn’t want to tell me. That’s prefectly fine, I won’t ask about it. But she thinks she has to tell me, which she doesn’t. I have proof of such. After two weeks of her not being here—Okay. Let’s start back a little. She used to come over almost everyday of the week. Then she started seeing Tony. And came over maybe 2,3, or 4 times a week. Which was okay. Then she started coming on only 1 day a week, Tuesday, NCIS night. Okay, wait a minute. I am not going to be put on the back burner just because you have a boyfriend. :( That’s just not fair. And then she didn’t come over for two weeks, so I flat out said that I thought she was abandoning me. And she came over crying. And she stayed for a while. And didn’t tell me what it was that she didn’t want to tell me. I didn’t care. Because she was here. I have 4 people that I consider close friends at the moment. Jacob, being my boyfriend, is also my best friend. He takes a long time to respond, and so I find it hard to hold a conversation with him very often. Which is quite sad, and an entirely different subject. Bel, my person. My Yune. Has suddenly stopped coming over, and is hardly talking to me, and I usually talk to her about everything. Emily, who can’t ever come over because she doesn’t have a way to get here. And I talk to as often as I can, about everything. And Connor, since we’re going to start talking more often. And we can’t quite talk about EVERYTHING, perhaps eventually. But he’s someone I can talk to. The point of telling you that is to show you why I feel lonely sometimes. With Jacob being in Green Bay, Bel being off somewhere with Tony when she’s not catching up on sleep, Emily stuck in LaCrosse with no way to get here, and Connor in Washington. I mean, I can sit here and IM and text them. But that’s not the same as physically talking to them. *sigh* I bitch too much. I need to look on the bright side. I HAVE friends. I’m leaving for vacation in 5 days. I get to see Sarah there, who I haven’t seen in two years. She’s an amazing person. We came up with the “hat” concept together. (I can’t exactly tell you what that is. Only Sarah, Bel and I know what it is. It’s an AirVenture only concept. :P) And Bel is still going to come to AirVenture with me. So that’ll be fun, too. And then all the cute—scratch that—hot guys that are usually there, too. (Yeah, Em. Caught that. :P) This is the bright side. Hm. Pretty bright. Anyway. I should get going. Em says she need to talk to me. And I should’ve taken a shower 13 mintues ago. So. Goodnight, I hope to post quite often now. Yea yea, I know I’ve said that before. I mean it this time.

DAILY SONG + LINK: It’s All About You by Juliana Pasha.