Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

Oh, dear. Where has time gone? I haven't been here and talking to you for so long... Well. Fine. Let's get started. Where to start... Eh, what the hell, why not start with Jacob. So you know how I've been pushing him to fill out an application to the college here so he and I can live together?Well, about a week ago, I pushed him again. And I said "You haven't filled it out yet, have you?" And of course, his answer was no. So, I start pushing him and I get pissed and then I got all sad and worried that he'd never move in. And I said that, "I'm just worried, Jacob." And he says, "Me too." Wait..."What do you have to worry about?" "I have reasons." ..."And these reasons are...?" "I can't tell you." Seriously? You know me. If you tell me something along those lines, I'm going to jump on that and attack it until you tell me. So, that night I went to bed without knowing what this mystery reason was. We discussed it the next day, and he ended up telling me. "Fine. The reason I haven't filled out the application is because I'm enrolled at MSOE." Milwaukee School of Engineering. "Since when?" "About a week after we first discussed me moving in." You've known this for 3 and a half-ish months? And you're just now telling me? Needless to say I was a tad more pissed at that moment than I was depressed. I went to bed shortly after that. At about 1230 in the morning. I got up normally the next day, which was a Thursday. I looked to see how much I got paid and said "Mom, I want to go shopping." Because I felt that it would make me feel better. So I'm shopping, buying things that I really don't need from the store I work at. So Rose, (One of my managers), comes up to me and says "Hey, Neal. Would you like to stay later tonight?" And I'm all like..."Rose...I don't work tonight." "Oh...would you like to?" So of course, this is me. I only had 9 hours on the schedule that week. So I said, "Are you kidding? Of course I'll work tonight." Without a thought to the fact I was up until 1230 that morning. And my shift was from 4-8. So...at about 6, I'm all tired. And wanting to go home and sleep. That night, I said two things to Jacob. I'm going to bed, and then I said goodnight. The next day, however, wasn't so great. All of these thoughts flooded my mind throughout the day. "He's doing to be in Milwaukee. For like...4 years." "There are new people in Milwaukee for him to meet...what if he finds someone else?" "I have been talking about him moving in for months, why did he never say anything?" I didn't feel like talking to him much, so I didn't. I was up until 4 in the morning with that one too. This whole crying thing? I like it, but only because not crying is worse. But I don't like crying myself to sleep for 3 nights. Not fun at all. Things were pretty calm until about two days ago. The night before, I was crying and begging for a way to fix this (not to Jacob, but to who/what ever was listening) and then it came to me. What if...he come over on holiday breaks, and spends the summers here? Isn't that brilliant? I mean, not the entire holiday break, the whole visiting family thing of course. And so the next morning I practically shoved it down his throat and said "this is how it's going to be. Because this is the only way I can handle this." And as I kept talking about it, he got more "agitated". Annoyed, is the word I would've used... And so he started yelling at me. 1) I'm too whiny. Ok, I can admit that at times I am annoying and whiny. But...about this? I think I'm allowed to be whiny, thank you. 2) I wouldn't be able to handle an entire summer with you; maybe a week or two at most. Ok...you've never even been with me in real life. How would you know until you do? 3) And normally people have a first date before moving in together. Ok, now that's a somewhat valid argument there. But, it doesn't apply to us very much seeing as we've been together for two freaking years? 4)And sometimes I wonder why I even bother when for the past 6 months you've been ignoring me for work. Ok, that I admit. I have been less than there for him since I started work. I have yet to balance my entire schedule, and he's suffering for it. But we've talked about it before and he knows I'm working on it. He didn't have to shove it at me like that. At this point, I'm just bawling. I'm thinking that I've screwed the entire thing up. Like I have before. And I'm just saying to myself "All I want to do is make this work..." So we talked the next day, and I said, "What if, once you're here, you change your mind about only staying for a week?" And he replied "Then I'd stay." So that was my peace of mind. I'm sure I'll make him want to stay. And I decided that I'll just take this one day at a time. And see what happens. *sigh* So that's my story about Jacob. Moving on. Work has been slow latley. For the last couple of weeks I haven't really gotten more than 12-13 hours a week. And it's sad. :( But I think I'll live for the time being. I turn 18 in like...12 days. Woah...whatever am I going to do with myself? Lol. I think I'll do my written test for my driver's license. So I can at least get a temp. So I can drive myself. >.> I'm old. :/ Lol. Anyway...I think that should be all for tonight. I'm getting a little tired now, lol. So, goodnight world.

POST SONG+LINK:

Alright With Me by Kris Allen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6D3ICLriBo