Ok. First off, I need to apologize. In my last blog, I talked about Oshkosh and Leighton. …because I was avoiding what I should REALLY be writing about. …but I have no idea where to begin. The last you guys knew, and by you guys I mean the ones that read my blog that I DON’T talk to everyday, I had barely begun to talk about how he wasn’t going to move to college here. …wow… Oh dear. Way back then, before he even told me he wasn’t going to move here, I had told him “I think I’d have to leave you if you didn’t move here…because I don’t think we’d last.” …but I pushed forward. I adapted. …as I sit here this evening, I have to ask you, why did I do that? Why didn’t I just stick to that? *sigh* After I got back from vacation, it all hit me quite quickly. He wasn’t moving in…school is more important to him…at the end of the month he’ll be gone… I stepped up my effort. I tried harder. I pleaded with him to reconsider. But I failed. He moved. He didn’t even bother to give me a week’s warning. 5 days beforehand, he tells me. …I had lost hope. And finally, that day came. I woke up to the text, “I’m on my way to Milwaukee,”. I said to myself, “Why? Why bother telling me? I have to work. How the hell am I supposed to work now?” So I ended up spending the entire morning before I left…sitting on my floor crying. Trying desperately to get someone to talk to me, but nobody answered. It had just become final…that was it. There was nothing more I could do. But try not to cry at work. Or act like someone just died. And it worked, for the most part. I tried not to tear up on break. But…*shrugs* I just felt like my boyfriend left me. The only positive outcome at that time was he began to need me… It was the first time I felt so needed by him. He texted back faster than ever before, 2 minutes or less. And it was good. We were having conversation again. For the first time in months, I felt very close to him. And slowly it began to fade, as I knew it would. Not long after that, his response time got far worse. Soon, it would take him an hour…two hours…THREE hours… …ha. Since moving to college, our relationship went from ok, to terrible. We didn’t have much conversation…he would sometimes leave for hours without saying anything… And then I got jealous. Of his internet people, that is. He would talk to them, speak to them, play games with them while he was ignoring me… After I had discovered that, which was around November I think, things started degrading even quicker. We began to fight daily. He had told me he wasn’t sure if he’d ever move in with me. He said he would never visit me, not even during his school breaks. Not even summer… At times, he’d say he wanted us to last…that I just need to get over my jealousy…that he does want to meet me. …*shakes head* A few weeks ago…we fought. And the conversation ended around when he said “Sometimes I don’t feel like we’ve ever had a relationship.” …he went on to say something about the lack of physical interaction…and other things that I pretty much blocked out. And the day after that, I went into panic mode. “He’s trying to leave me. I’m losing him. I’ve lost him. What do I do? How do I fix things?” …little did I realize that panicking would put us where we are now. Up until 2 days ago, he had stopped talking to me for about…a week and a half? Despite all my texts, I even called him four times. He remained silent. He also hasn’t said “I love you” in two weeks. But two days ago, he said “Hai.” Bel was here at the time, so I had no idea. But by the time I noticed, I needed to go to bed, so I said that. And told him we could talk tomorrow(yesterday now), and he said ok. I said goodnight, and he said nothing. …so last night it was about 930. And I needed to go to bed at about 1030, but he hadn’t said anything. So I told him I needed to go soon, if he still wanted to talk. He said he needed to shower yet, and there wasn’t enough time to talk before or after that. So I said “Ok, we can talk tomorrow. Or this weekend.” And so far this evening, nothing. Part of me wants to believe that he wants to seriously talk. And do…something to fix where we are. But another part expects it to be something I know I don’t want to hear. At the same time, another part of my has already decided he wasn’t coming back… I’m lost. With no direction. Unsure of where we stand. …shattered but not broken. So there you have it. The shortened, condensed version of the past few months since I’ve last talked with you. There are many more things I missed, but at this point...I don’t feel the need to take the time and write about them. So…I’ll leave you now. The song…fits the part of me that has decided he’s not coming back. So thank you for bearing with me. I know most of you never liked Jacob, and probably saw this coming, but I thank you for bearing with me anyway. Either I’ll be back in a few days, or if something happens with Jacob that I need to write about. Until then, keep calm and carry on.
SONG: Standing Still by Roman Lob
