Well. Well well well. March 16th? 9 months, 15 days? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… Before we even START anything, we’re not going to touch on the subject of Jacob. We’re leaving it alone. And by doing that, I hope those of you who are wondering how its going, get the idea. Moving on. So…where DO we begin? Here: If anything in this blog sounds…pessimistic, its because I’m in a crappy mood, which you’ll understand soon enough. But let’s see…was there anything interesting that happened in April? …no…no, I don’t think there was. May? I bought a car, and shortly after got my driver’s license. So yay to that! I barely remember either of those two months, so I doubt there was anything else. June? Ah yes, there was inventory day at work. There was a cute guy that came as part of the inventory team… Uhm. That was about it. July we had vacation. Leighton was unable to come, which was sad making. But I DID tell him I expected to see him next year. So that’s the upside there. It was an alright vacation. Nothing amazing, nothing NOT amazing. I was quite saddened, however, when Sarah had to leave early. =( Nothing else of terrible interest that I can remember right now… August, September, and October all went by without much interest as well… I started a second job at the beginning of November at Panera Bread. And let me tell you…it’s a great place to work…but I’m running into one issue. Which, I suppose is what started my crappy mood today. See…there is someone I work with, I won’t say who just for the sake of…my sanity, but… Basically, I’m attracted to him. Not just because he’s cute, either, but for the reasons that count. And I’m an idiot when it comes to dating and that sort of thing. I mean…look at my track record, darling. Dana? JACOB? Mmhmmm…. So I’m afraid of making any sort of move… I can barely talk to the guy, let alone ask him “hey…by any chance, are you gay?” And poor Bel…I’m a horrible person. I basically made her come into Panera when both me and him were working. And…basically wanted her to look at him and observe him and…you know. I mean, my people reading skills don’t exactly… …they kinda, well…suck. A lot. But her observation/opinion was helpful. I mean…I don’t want to make a move. I’m literally afraid to. Because I already feel kinda creepy. Especially after today… And I so want to make a move. But I’ve never actually had to. And because I like him I’m afraid I’d sit there stuttering and mumbling like some fool. And then run away crying because I screwed it all up. (Ok, I probably wouldn’t actually do that, but I think you get the point.) I’ve never actually had to do this dating thing before. Ever. Not from the very beginning like this. Having to go out and find my OWN guy to date, rather than someone saying “Oh, hey, I know this guy…” And it frightens me. Because there is only one thing worse than being a hopeless romantic: being a GAY hopeless romantic. You have so fewer options. And sometimes, you don’t even KNOW what your options really are, because not every gay man is out. Not every gay man is OBVIOUS about it. And I’ve never been good at taking risks. I’m always afraid of getting hurt… And you know, all of this feeling isn’t exactly directed entirely at this guy I work with. Because I’ve always been this way, but when I had Jacob, my focus problem shifted to…whatever, and I forgot all about this. And…I forgot how much of a blundering fool I am around guys I like. And how…I’m almost 20 and have never had a real, solid, happy relationship… And I really…wish I had someone, you know? Especially at this time of year. There is this other guy I work with that I know for certain has a crush on me. Because I’ve been told such. And you know…he’s sweet. And kinda cute. But…he’s the kind of person that I can see myself being a lifelong friend with. But when I look at the other guy… >.< I’m stopping myself there. And so there is my conundrum. In a nutshell, of course. And I think that’s all I’m going to give you for tonight. Because…if I spend TOO much time thinking about all of this, then…well, I’m sorry to Bel, but the line to attachment would grow ever closer. Thankfully, however, for today it remains quite a confortable distance away.”Please stay sensible. If you drop a can of coke on the floor make sure to point it at someone ELSE before you open it.” Until next time, keep calm and carry on.
Today’s Song: I Know Him by Heart – Vonda Shepard
